Feeling Good

Today I had a very humbling experience. I'm not going to go into detail, because it's not my story to tell. But it involved someone very special to me. I felt Heavenly Father's promptings to comfort and to share my feelings with this person. Although part of me felt frustrated, I asked through a silent prayer for help to not judge this person. The effects were immediate. I am constantly surprised with Heavenly Father. I ask for one small thing and he gives me a million. It made me feel so good inside. Afterwards, I was able to put myself in this persons shoes (which wasn't that hard because I had already experienced a similar situation). I was able to completely eliminate all negative feelings surrounding this problem and focus on the more important issue. This person needed to be comforted. I knew right then that I needed to say something, and to let this person know that I love them and so does Heavenly Father.

I am so grateful for experiences like this. I am doing my absolute best to try and apply this to all situations that we face on this earth. I struggle sometimes in sharing my testimony about worldly things because the world doesn't believe in the eternities. I don't believe that life ends here. In fact, I believe life on this earth is only a fraction of our existence, and we were put here to learn....not just to live. Mistakes and hardships are essential to our understanding of what Joy really means. There hasn't been one person on this earth (other than Christ) who was perfect. I need to just let go and allow people the freedom to make their own choices without my judgments. We all have to face the consequences of our choices, whether they be good or bad. What gives me the right to add to that consequence? Now I can't really speak for other serious matters that this world has problems with...I haven't had to deal with them, and I hope to never have to.

I feel closer to this person. I have shared a part of me, unaware as they may be about it, that I haven't shared with many others.

Presenting Skillz

So today I had a presentation in my business law class. I think it was a breakthrough moment for me. I did amazing! I wasn't even scared at all. In fact, I was excited to stand up there and talk to the class. I attribute much of this to the club that I've been participating in. I'm constantly encouraged to leave my comfort zone and "just do it". It helps that I obsessively studied my case because I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to answer the professors questions. It also helps that my case involved the Westboro Baptist Church, Inc. Man are they a bunch of hypocritical haters....Ben and I were joking with each other about how they were going to end up in purgatory with all of the "Priests who rape boys" (apparently, they have a big issue with homosexuals and Catholics). My opinion is that they are not religious at all...they just want tax exempt status.

My mood has been incredibly unstable this quarter. It has nothing to do with being depressed or anxious, or at least I don't think. I'm just having a really hard time with the work/life balance. I feel so incredibly guilty for being gone so much. It has affected some of my grades, which I am struggling to maintain A-'s. C's get degrees, but A's get you jobs....especially in the accounting field.
However, I have been feeling a ton better, so I think I'll be okay if I study hard for the finals. One more week to go and I'm golden!! Now I just have until Fall Quarter of 2014 until my undergraduate.....
I have to keep reminding myself that I already have 3 full years of college under my belt. What is another year (and then plus my masters)?! I've made it halfway through so far. Not bad if I don't say so myself.

Samantha is now 30 pounds. It's hard to believe that at one point I carried her around inside of me. She has grown so much, and I love her sweet, caring, loving, and silly personality. She reminds me of myself when I was a kid. Penelope must be like Ben or something, because she is more serious. It's easy to get her to smile, but it is like pulling teeth to get her to giggle sometimes. But she is very observant. I've noticed Samantha doesn't really think before she does something, and Penny will sit there and ponder it for a minute before she acts. But one thing is for certain, they certainly do love each other very much, and their personalities are very complimentary. I hope they stay friends for life.

The Not So Scary Future

The more I think about the purpose of this blog, the more I feel like it is more of a journal. I definitely prefer having a blog over having a tangible journal that would require a pen/pencil. It's a lot easier to push a delete button than it is to erase or scribble out. But because it's public, I'll make my feelings slightly more general. However, I wouldn't recommend reading it if you aren't interested in my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.

So Ben and I went to the Temple on Saturday. We don't really go very often because...well...I'm not sure. I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that we have kids and I feel guilty leaving them for almost a whole day, especially since I have school and I'm gone a lot of the time anyway. Ben doesn't usually suggest Temple trips either so in a way I kind of feel like we just don't try very hard to fit them into our busy schedules.
We have been there a handful of times since we got sealed as a family for time and all eternity. I'm not so sure what it was about this last trip, but it was incredible. It was so incredible, in fact, that I'm not even sure I can wrap my head around it. It is beyond simple, but that is the beauty of it. And I think for the first time, I understood that the simplest things are the most profound. This last visit changed something inside of me. It planted a small seed in my heart that is desperate to grow. There is nothing that I want more in this life than to fully understand the gospel because the gospel is truly the only way to eternal happiness. I think I finally understand that concept...and it is so much more complicated than I had ever thought it could be. I'm glad that I (hopefully) have a decent amount of my life left to try and figure it all out.
I experienced a small miracle today. Ben and I don't read our scriptures very regularly. In fact, we read them maybe a handful of times a year. We are TERRIBLE at it, and can't seem to get the habit to stick. But I am hoping that after this last experience, and with Heavenly Fathers help, we can be successful. But since my heart has been so full of the spirit lately, I made it a priority to read to Samantha and then read and study with Ben. I hadn't realized until after we read the chapter (2 Nephi chapter 9), that somehow that chapter was meant for me to read at that exact time. I had been struggling lately with my feelings regarding my beliefs and conflicting social issues. For some reason, I had been pressuring myself to somehow negotiate my beliefs and mold them to be socially acceptable in a way that was not in accordance with Heavenly Fathers plan. But I failed to realize that there was more to it than that. My actions don't need to be socially acceptable the way that society expects. It is assumed that if you disagree with gay marriage, then you are homophobic and hate them. If a person were to declare that they disagreed with gay marriage, then they were being judgmental and immoral. So why did I vote for gay marriage? I believed that if I didn't....then I would be judgmental, immoral, hateful, homophobic.
The truth of the matter is...it shouldn't come down to that. It should NEVER have come down to that. Unfortunately, this earth is full of hypocritical humans who try to tell each other that they are doing things WRONG. And yes, many many many things are WRONG. Some things are very black and white, but most things are grey. And that is what is frightening about society. Those grey areas create unnecessary conflict and corruption.
We literally live in a hell that we have all created. There is a tremendous number of people who do not want to live in this hell for the rest of eternity. These people follow Heavenly Fathers commandments because it is the ONLY thing that is not grey. Sometimes it doesn't make complete sense, but the wonderful thing about it is that Heavenly Father has given us everything that we need to know. He gives us this information to us in a way that forces us to think for ourselves, ask questions, and learn from experience. I could not think of a more perfect system.
Over the years I've had many people tell me that organized religion didn't make sense, or that they didn't need it to be a good person. Well, I've had a lot of time to think about that. It may be true that a person can be happy and good without an organized religion. But what I don't understand is this: how do you learn, how do you grow, and how do you teach? A person can only learn so much by themselves. Without organized religion, there is no structure...no "government." It's like skipping school and not doing the homework, without paying, and without receiving your diploma. Religion teaches you God's government, the history, the purpose of even existing. Surely anyone who believes in Heavenly Father, or even a higher power, should at some point wonder why organized religion ever even existed in the first place.
But alas, we are all hypocrites. We all judge. Even those who claim that they are all for equality judge those whom they disagree with. And that is exactly why I choose to follow Heavenly Fathers commandments. My interest lies with consistency, and so far...society hasn't proven to be remotely consistent. I hope to one day not have a single hypocritical thought, and be completely surrounded by people who are likewise.
However, I choose to love and respect even those who I disagree with. I suspect that a lot of people don't understand this about me, and choose to misinterpret my beliefs. I've always tried my best to maintain civility, but anger has gotten the best of people...and well...it's just hard to understand controversial issues when you're angry.

Anyway, I'm pleased to say that the temple did more for me than just open my heart up a little. I felt an amazing amount of peace in regards to my scholastic endeavors. I know that Heavenly Father is proud of me and encourages me to finish school. That's always encouraging.

Spring is in the Air

The weather is changing, and with it comes colds and allergies. I'm not sure exactly what we picked up this year, but it made for an exhausting and difficult 2+ weeks; runny and stuffy noses turned into really bad sore throats, eventually leading to sinus infections and scratchy voices. Thankfully, the worst of it is over and no one had to go to the hospital. All of this mess reminded me of last year when Samantha got the flu and she ended up in the ER with an IV drip to replenish her fluids. Although it was one of the worst experiences of my Parental life, it made me grateful that we live in an era where doctors know what they are doing (for the most part) and are easy to access. Although it damages the pocketbook a little bit, I can honestly say that I would much rather have an empty one than a child who died from something as simple as dehydration. I count my blessings every day.
I did notice something different about this last "sick" season. My children were way better off than Ben and I. The girls seemed to go through it pretty quick, but Ben and I are still battling sore throats and sinus infections. I hate to sound like a whiner, but normally the girls get sick and stay sick for a while while us adults never even get touched by whatever germs they are covered in. So why was it so different this time? I don't know...but I have a theory. I had been cleaning and sanitizing my house like crazy the months before. Maybe we were too clean, and we didn't let our bodies build up our immune systems for this years germs. Alright....lesson learned! Sanitize in moderation!!

I also have a confession to make, which is a little off topic. I've never been good with transitioning my text to make it fluid and flowy and all those other good words and english jargon writers use to make their writing more beautiful.
Haha, that was not my confession by the way.
I already want another baby. 
Why? Why would I want to torment myself?! Two is definitely enough for now. Maybe I just want another one because I know I can't have one. If I had the choice to get pregnant right now, I would probably say no...and for good reason. I promised myself that school is most important right now. My goal is to be able to walk in June of 2015. In order to do that, I have to follow my graduation plan to the T. I can't get pregnant because preggo brain makes school miserable, and because I would rather not deal with those kind of complications. Also, work experience needs to happen. Who in their right mind would hire a pregnant lady right out of college? Maybe I am over thinking it. After all, it's quite illegal for an employer to discriminate like that. But also, why would I want to work full time to get work experience with a newborn? It's already hard enough spending enough time with my children as it is, and I'm not even gone more than 20 hours a week (I think).

And off on to a tangent...

I really admire those mothers who work full time. I really do. If that's what they want to do, then they have every right to do it. I am not passing judgments onto others. But I know that for myself, I couldn't do it. I keep getting this idea stuck in my head that we need a nice house, fancy furniture, an awesome car, a big backyard...etc etc. And yes, all those things are wonderful and CAN happen. I just don't need to have them right this very minute or even right after I graduate. For years I've been telling myself that we can be happy with just one income. This is true. It has it's moments when it really sucks, but for the most part it's quite rewarding when you make a budget for the family and it ends up working out perfectly.

So why am I going to school? I think that education is mostly for my personal benefit. Women need and DESERVE to gain knowledge and opportunities. It is also an opportunity to contribute to my family. With the more education I have, the more I can share with my kids. I can hardly wait for the day when I can sit down and help them with their math and english assignments. Surprisingly enough, school has made me incredibly more well rounded of a person. I think that I view people differently in a more positive way. I strive to learn new things more than I ever have in my life. It also makes me fear for my kids futures, because life gets even more tough out in the real world where people are deceiving and things are rarely ever fair.
I am also going to school to secure my life. Bad things happen, and I want to be ready in case if I have to deal with them. I've also been "non-traditional" and preferred having my own independence. It also helps to contribute to the income. There is something about  contributing to the family resources that is quite satisfying.

So next topic. Let's talk about my kids a little bit.
Penelope started crawling several weeks ago. She was about 7 months old when she started...well...hobbling around. It was a glorious day when she nailed it. Her crying sessions were more than cut in half. All of her frustration was gone when she could crawl over to me. I could see the pride of her accomplishment on her face every time she made it into my arms. Now she crawls back and forth between furniture.  She'll stand up to the couch, sit back down, crawl over to the chair and stand up, sit back down, go back to the couch and stand up...
Her little personality amazes me every day. I LOVE LOVE LOVE how much she loves me and needs me. It's frustrating sometimes for Ben when she cries for me and I'm not home. Although she cries for Ben too sometimes. But Samantha rarely cried like Penelope does. She was always so interested in toys and snacks that half the time she barely remembered that I was even around. Don't get me wrong, Samantha and I spent plenty of time together. And maybe she was different because I wasn't gone half the day when she was Penelope's age. 
Penelope has been using her voice a lot. It's so cute when I hear her wake up from her nap by talking to herself. "naaaaaa na. awwwwweeeee. aaaaaaahhhhhhhh." Her bottom lip is still crooked too. It's not nearly as noticeable as it used to be, but it sure sticks out far when she is crying her sad cry.
Samantha is just over 2 years old! I cannot believe how much she continues to change. It still takes a trained ear to understand what she says half the time, but she is starting to put full sentences together. It's pretty exciting to hear her say "yes" sometimes instead of  repeating my question back to me. I'm also very proud of how polite she can be. She still needs to practice on saying "please" by herself without being prompted, but she definitely knows "thank you" and "I love you."  She also loves to say "Mommy!!" when I come home after school. My favorite part of the day is when she talks to Penny. They interact so well together. Penny is only 8 months right now so they haven't had a whole lot of practice sharing toys, but they both play with toys together and neither one ever gets upset. I hope it lasts a while longer. It will be fun to watch them play hide and seek or something similar. When Penny is crawling around the apartment, I will hear Samantha say "Penny! Where are you? Penny! Where are you?" She is growing like a weed too. her 2 T clothes still fit, but if she keeps growing this fast, we are going to have to start investing in some 3 T stuff in a handful of months. Of course for some parents, she isn't technically growing fast, but I just can't believe how fast time flies. I am doing my very best to enjoy the time I have with her at this age because I know I won't ever get to experience it with her like this ever again.
When the time comes to have a third, I am just going to die with LOVE OVERLOAD.