The Not So Scary Future

The more I think about the purpose of this blog, the more I feel like it is more of a journal. I definitely prefer having a blog over having a tangible journal that would require a pen/pencil. It's a lot easier to push a delete button than it is to erase or scribble out. But because it's public, I'll make my feelings slightly more general. However, I wouldn't recommend reading it if you aren't interested in my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.

So Ben and I went to the Temple on Saturday. We don't really go very often because...well...I'm not sure. I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that we have kids and I feel guilty leaving them for almost a whole day, especially since I have school and I'm gone a lot of the time anyway. Ben doesn't usually suggest Temple trips either so in a way I kind of feel like we just don't try very hard to fit them into our busy schedules.
We have been there a handful of times since we got sealed as a family for time and all eternity. I'm not so sure what it was about this last trip, but it was incredible. It was so incredible, in fact, that I'm not even sure I can wrap my head around it. It is beyond simple, but that is the beauty of it. And I think for the first time, I understood that the simplest things are the most profound. This last visit changed something inside of me. It planted a small seed in my heart that is desperate to grow. There is nothing that I want more in this life than to fully understand the gospel because the gospel is truly the only way to eternal happiness. I think I finally understand that concept...and it is so much more complicated than I had ever thought it could be. I'm glad that I (hopefully) have a decent amount of my life left to try and figure it all out.
I experienced a small miracle today. Ben and I don't read our scriptures very regularly. In fact, we read them maybe a handful of times a year. We are TERRIBLE at it, and can't seem to get the habit to stick. But I am hoping that after this last experience, and with Heavenly Fathers help, we can be successful. But since my heart has been so full of the spirit lately, I made it a priority to read to Samantha and then read and study with Ben. I hadn't realized until after we read the chapter (2 Nephi chapter 9), that somehow that chapter was meant for me to read at that exact time. I had been struggling lately with my feelings regarding my beliefs and conflicting social issues. For some reason, I had been pressuring myself to somehow negotiate my beliefs and mold them to be socially acceptable in a way that was not in accordance with Heavenly Fathers plan. But I failed to realize that there was more to it than that. My actions don't need to be socially acceptable the way that society expects. It is assumed that if you disagree with gay marriage, then you are homophobic and hate them. If a person were to declare that they disagreed with gay marriage, then they were being judgmental and immoral. So why did I vote for gay marriage? I believed that if I didn't....then I would be judgmental, immoral, hateful, homophobic.
The truth of the matter is...it shouldn't come down to that. It should NEVER have come down to that. Unfortunately, this earth is full of hypocritical humans who try to tell each other that they are doing things WRONG. And yes, many many many things are WRONG. Some things are very black and white, but most things are grey. And that is what is frightening about society. Those grey areas create unnecessary conflict and corruption.
We literally live in a hell that we have all created. There is a tremendous number of people who do not want to live in this hell for the rest of eternity. These people follow Heavenly Fathers commandments because it is the ONLY thing that is not grey. Sometimes it doesn't make complete sense, but the wonderful thing about it is that Heavenly Father has given us everything that we need to know. He gives us this information to us in a way that forces us to think for ourselves, ask questions, and learn from experience. I could not think of a more perfect system.
Over the years I've had many people tell me that organized religion didn't make sense, or that they didn't need it to be a good person. Well, I've had a lot of time to think about that. It may be true that a person can be happy and good without an organized religion. But what I don't understand is this: how do you learn, how do you grow, and how do you teach? A person can only learn so much by themselves. Without organized religion, there is no structure...no "government." It's like skipping school and not doing the homework, without paying, and without receiving your diploma. Religion teaches you God's government, the history, the purpose of even existing. Surely anyone who believes in Heavenly Father, or even a higher power, should at some point wonder why organized religion ever even existed in the first place.
But alas, we are all hypocrites. We all judge. Even those who claim that they are all for equality judge those whom they disagree with. And that is exactly why I choose to follow Heavenly Fathers commandments. My interest lies with consistency, and so far...society hasn't proven to be remotely consistent. I hope to one day not have a single hypocritical thought, and be completely surrounded by people who are likewise.
However, I choose to love and respect even those who I disagree with. I suspect that a lot of people don't understand this about me, and choose to misinterpret my beliefs. I've always tried my best to maintain civility, but anger has gotten the best of people...and well...it's just hard to understand controversial issues when you're angry.

Anyway, I'm pleased to say that the temple did more for me than just open my heart up a little. I felt an amazing amount of peace in regards to my scholastic endeavors. I know that Heavenly Father is proud of me and encourages me to finish school. That's always encouraging.