It's been an incredibly long week. Although I haven't been super duper anxious and depressed about still being pregnant, I'm starting to get irritated that I can't get this baby off my mind. I've been having a lot of round ligament pain and Braxton Hicks contractions, which is perfectly normal, but the frustrating part is the discomfort is a constant reminder that I haven't had this baby yet and I'm not quite on the road to recovery. I'm about as ready as I'll ever be to be sleep deprived, but more ready to hold my son and enjoy the new-ness of him with the girls and my husband.
Both girls seem to be sensing the looming changes ahead. Penelope has been extra clingy and less interested in talking about the baby. She knows that he is in my belly but doesn't want to have much to do with it. She used to love pointing to my belly and telling me "baby!" I think she has realized that she is no longer the baby in the house and is retaliating. I suppose I knew that it would happen eventually, just not BEFORE the baby was born. I can only imagine how much worse the adjustment will be with him actually here in my arms. Samantha, on the other hand, has gone from indifferent to actually very interested in her brother. I picked her up from school last week and she shouted, "That's my baby brother in there!" She changes her mind about when she wants to meet him, but I asked her tonight if she was ready to meet her brother tomorrow and she said she was. We will see. I asked her yesterday if his name should be Alistair, and she said, "No, his name will be Frederick." It made me realize that she is definitely listening to every conversation that I have with her around. Usually when I refer to that name with her, I say Freddy. I'm not sold on either name right now, I've decided that I need to see him first.
Samantha started school on the 22nd of this month. I am absolutely proud of her, and I've been told that she does very well. It makes me so happy that she fits in with the rest of the kids. I had no doubts that my little social butterfly would blossom at Bright Beginnings! She gets lunch and snacks too, and in only a matter of days she stopped turning her nose up to apple slices, carrots, and even beans! She used to gag on them all. I suppose all the exposure to new foods and watching other kids eat is really helping her. Food at home isn't so bad now! The only downside to school is it has been wearing her out. On two separate occasions she fell asleep on the way home, and that night she couldn't fall asleep until like 2 am! It's a very difficult time, because she does get very tired but it affects her bedtime so dramatically. I'm hoping it's just an adjustment period. Ben and I are making every effort we can to ensure that she gets to bed around 7:30. Anything later than that and she might be a tired wreck the following day, and Samantha does not do well at all when she is tired.
Today was a pretty rough day. I'm not sure why Samantha was so tired. I remember she woke up around 5 am to turn the hallway light on, but I swear I saw her back in bed asleep after that. But whatever happened, she was tired and she was really acting out all afternoon and evening. The poor thing cried over every little thing too. All I wanted to do was be home and snuggle her until she fell asleep, I can totally relate to those feelings of being tired and worn out and not wanting to sleep. The problem is when she gets tired like that, she can be really difficult to convince to hold still for longer than 2 seconds...and it can go on for hours and hours! Bedtime took an hour when it normally only takes about 20ish minutes, which isn't too bad considering it's been worse than that.
Sometimes I just feel like a terrible mom. It's not often that I get worked up about it, but today was one of those days. I have a lot of anxiety about raising three kids. I have this expectation that I will be this perfect mom. I need to remember that Heavenly Father knows that I'm doing my best, and that I can't be expected to be perfect. I need to rely on Him more to fill in where I lack. Scriptures and prayers often get forgotten about though, and it becomes so much harder to function. Life is a crazy whirlwind sometimes, and I hear it doesn't get any easier. But I suppose that's how we learn and grow by adapting and changing. I couldn't do any of this without the support of my husband though. Even when I feel my worst, he has this awesome way about him to make me feel better. I am so glad that he thinks that I am a good mother for his children even though I sometimes struggle with it.
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